Head work

Here I am, butting up against issues that keep popping up. I never deal with them, so they never get "olved" in any manner - resolved, dissolved, evolved...

My doc suggested I 'go see someone', but with my limited success I've had with working with professionals, I feel it's a waste of time and money. Nobody has ever been able to lead me out of the boxes, no one has given me tools to deal with my baggage, no one has helped at all, except as a face I can kvetch to and I have friends who do that for free. When I indicated that I was loath to begin with a therapist, my doc told me to make a list of the things about my life I want to change and thinking about that has gotten me more focused than I've been in years.

So in an extremely broad manner, which will get me started on pinpointing the changes I can put in effect, here are the top 5 things I'd like to change in my life:

1) wellness

exercise

increase strength, flexibility and stamina

eating healthy food

more veggies, less junk food, more lean meats, (or no meats?)

the ability to see food as fuel - eat to live

make cosmetic efforts

2) house paperwork

keep up with financials

tracking and inputting stuff to quicken for taxes

monitor investments better

3) engage with children more

play with them more

find/do interesting experiences

listen to them more and allow joy

4) Consume less

lessen ecological impact while conserving resources

5) eliminate procrastination in order to make the first four happen

Needs work.

Do-Overs

I'm beginning to look at my life as a constant stream of do-overs. I've always harbored a love of September... the traditional month of new shoes, new clothes, new books, new school year. It's a gimme do-over, you get it free each year. Here's some others:
Second marriage - what a fabulous do-over this was for me. It's so wonderful to go through life with someone who is on the same team.
A second child - always hoping that one won't make the same mistakes twice. It's impossible, of course, since they aren't blank slates.
New places to live - had a bunch of those! How fun is it to re-invent oneself within a community that knows nothing about your previous self?
A plethora of jobs - It's always great to start a new job with one's pie-in-the-sky hopes and aspirations.
Which brings us to my current do-over.

I started massage school in January. When Ma was dying, all of the very best nurses aides and hospice people seemed to come from a somatic background. This really resonated for me. I had thought about massage school when I quit work 5 years ago, but babies got in the way. So I looked into it and lo and behold, I was able to get right into a course.

I quit massage school this week. When I started, I knew it was a possibility it wouldn't work out. With a move to Ohio looking likely, my Kentucky certification would be useless. I suppose if I really, really loved it, I would have finished the course for the hell of it, but there were other circumstances. Dan never wanted my job and didn't sign on for it. Rather it was thrust at him when I decided to go back to school and he was supportive in that he accepted it, (although not without grumblings.) The kids, especially Naomi, missed her Mama. The course itself had a pretty demanding emotional component which was a surprise. The course work was also more demanding and time consuming than I had bargained for, meaning my resources were pretty stretched to cover my responsibilities at home as well as school. I've also got a theory (now that I know more about it,) that either you're a natural, or you have to work very very hard, and I'm not a natural. I'm choked about the 'q' word, but I know it was the right decision for me to quit.

When Dan quit his civilial job, it was to support me while Ma was dying, and allow me the time and space to be a daughter. Once that was over with, both of us put my wellness as a number one focus. Five years of insomnia, four years of pregnancy/nursing, and the last two years of stresses had really taken their toll on me and I was just not well. Going to school kind of jump-started me. After being so low-functioning for my five years stay-at-home, it was a challenge to get back on a wake-up-every-damn-morning-and-go-do-something schedule. I was intellectually stimulated for the first time in god-knows-when and I was able to really rise to it. In fact, I was kind of jonesing for a more academic course. I was totally digging the anatomy and physiology part of it. So I'm able to come away with the reassurance that my brain still works, despite its recent history of atrophy.

I'm re-focussing on my wellnes in general, with my physical fitness being paramount. I am just way too fat! I'm packing an extra 30 pounds now, and with my family history, I'm way risking a nasty case of Type II diabetes. Dan's taking charge, putting me on the Body For Life Modified Dan Plan. At the Gym 6 days a week - 3 cardio, 3 weights. Lots of high protein and complex carb snacks. Extra work in the garden and walking with the kids. 12 weeks, and I should be able to wear some of my old fat pants. (I have no pants that fit right now.)

The Second Day of the Rest of Our Lives

Dan's last day of work was Friday, Saturday shaped up pretty well, with both of us getting some exercise and me finfishing a project that needs to be done before we go out West. Today is Sunday, I didn't feel like exercising. So much for our terrific start.

Naomi is FINALLY starting to show some interest in walking. She is also in a major intellectual growth spurt, all of a sudden understanding all sorts of things that formerly went over her head. And true to what we had suspected, she has a wicked temper and holds a grudge. Piss her off first thing in the morning and she holds on to it until noonish. Thanksfully she's kind of a tough kid, so lots of things roll off her back, not like Mim who screams at the slightest provocation.

I am really starting to loath breastfeeding. The metaphor of the kids sucking the life out of me is just too real. And Mim is starting to whine about it constantly pushing me to nurse her, in spite of our agreement that it's for before bed only. If Naomi could only learn how to drink, I'd be able to stop no problem but she consumes so little cow milk that I think I'd be jeopardizing her nutrition if I weaned her now. No that the little porker is wasting away, but I do think she's getting some pretty high quality nutrients from me.

Leah sent me an interesting link to a website that posts anonymous secrets. She asked me if I had one. I don't really have any at this point in my life, partially because I don't really give a damn what other people think and I share my thoughts pretty freely with others, whether they like it or not.

Bad news from California this weekend. Ma is done for. The family is being called. I hope we get there in time to actually spend some time with her. I hate that my kids won't know their grandparents. My last Grandparent died when I was 38 - the way things are going, Naomi will be lucky to have one at 5. I think that is one shortcoming of having kids later in life that is often overlooked. I'm a little teary over the prospect of losing Ma in the next few weeks. Keeping busy and not thinking about it helps.

Stress tracker

I'm a member of a health website through my husbands employer. This site has some interactive tools including trackers for diet, exercise and stress. So far I've not been able to log anything but the highest level of stress on the tracker. Will I ever?

As Rosanna Rosanna Dana said, "It's always sumpin'."

So lets recap what's going on:
I'm sick at least once a month (this month TWICE!) with whatever the kids or Dan pick up and bring home.
Mom's cancer has accelerated and she's probably got only a month or two left. We had to cut our visit short a couple of weeks ago because me and the kids got sick. Travelling is hard on the kids, I really can't take them to Vegas again, not to mention Dan can't burn anymore vacation so if I want to see Mom alive again I'll have to go alone, and possibly wean the kids because of it.
Dan's job situation is in flux. Looks like he'll get a good offer from a firm out of town, which means moving. Even if he stays with his current firm, we'll be moving. Lots to do to prepare for either one of those scenarios.
I should really get a PAP test done... and get the temporary crown in my mouth replaced with a permanent one, and go to a chiropractor to get rid of the numbness in my arm and my headaches. Some physical therapy for my prolapsed uterus would be helpful as well. And I'd love to get a pedicure and a massage. But I don't have childcare. I don't have the option of sick-days, vacation days etc. so I can get this stuff done. Ever since E (the sitter) got a real day job, I've had no option for taking care of these types of things.
When will the baby start walking? When can I have the option of NOT picking her up to move her from point A to point B? She's in no hurry.
When will the tot potty train? When can I stop changing the diaper of a kid big enough to change it herself? She's in no hurry.
When will both kids decide it's time to wean? Will the baby ever drink cow or soy milk in suitable quantities?
Boy I'd like to drop this extra 30 pounds of baby weight... diet and exercise? Yah, right. No energy left for me.
Insomnia... I haven't slept for more than a 4 hour continuous stretch in over 3 years.
Chronic depression - and the libido crushing meds that go along with it.

OK, now the pros.
A (somewhat) supportive spouse... there's only so much he can do while locked into a 9-5 job.
Two healthy happy kids.
A loose support system of friends. (I can bitch to them but they can't really help me out with childcare 'cause they've got their own problems with it!)
A best friend who would give her life for me and would make everything better if she wasn't also locked into a 9-5 job.
Minimal financial pressure.

It could be worse... but it could be better too.

Bad News

I got some bad news today. A friend from high school died last summer. I found out about it reading an obituary in the high school newsletter. Not a close friend, you ask? In fact I felt very close to him. He was one of my favorite people, but he was one of those friends that I lose track of then find years later and we were able to pick up where we left off. I lost him a few years back and just always figured I'd find him again.

It give me a sense of loss and urgency. The loss is palpable not so much because he was a big part of my everyday life... I hardly ever talked to him... but instead it's the lost opportunities that I may have had to spend some time with him. The urgency stems from this... it's the urgency to take stock of other people I hold dear and make sure I contact them.

Three cake holes, one voice

Finally I've found my purpose to blog. I've been doing a website for my kids and while I know that I've captured their voices in the process, I've completely ignored mine. There are a lot of "Momoirs" out there and this is now mine.

The kids' webpages are full of neat pictures and tell about their monthly milestone but I'm finding Naomi doing things and I can't remember whether Mim did the same. Doing the kids' journals is getting to be a drag, as is evidenced by the fact that I'm 3 months behind now. I need to be able to jot stuff down daily so I can remember it all.

Tonight Mim was a big help cleaning up. She even came in to the kitchen to collect the toys from there, which I thought was wierd. I was in the process of praising her for her helpfulness when she summarily cut me off by announcing, "I'm peeing now... I'd better go." OK then. It was only later that I noticed she put the blocks in the pantry instead of taking them to the toy box in the family room. Sure am glad I didn't get the chance to overdo the praise.

Naomi freaked out at Gymboree today. If you know anything at all about Gymboree, you know they have this big parachute during 'circle time' that the kids play on and under. It's a rather important part of the whole experience. Naomi is scared of it. She also still doesn't like when people look at her, causing the "Wah!" response. Mim did this at that age too, but not to the same extent.

We are still trying to find a sitter that Naomi will tolerate. As it is, we are taking her with us on dates. Mim started with E when she was about a year old and we are coming up to that there time with Naomi. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

I wish we would have gotten some video of Naomi when she was very very young. She could burp and fart like a trucker and while she still is kind of gassy, it's nothing compared to how she was from 1 to 3 months.

Mim has been pretty gassy this week. Probably because Daddy is letting her sip his wine, champagne, beer, coke and 'flavored malt beverage'. I've put the kybosh on coke and malt beverages that are equally as sweet, allowing beer and wine in toddler amounts, (a teaspoon or so.)

Naomi needs a haircut as her bangs are down to her chin. I've been having a go at them with the nail scissors while she sleeps. So far so good, but I don't know how much longer I can do that without making her look like Herman Munster. As an aside, I got a haircut last week and although I've maintained that I can't get a bad haircut because my hair is short and the curl hides a multitude of sins, I now stand corrected as I came home looking like a bad Elvis impersonator. Even after I washed the gunk out and finger-combed it I looked pretty bad. My saving grace is that I'll need another cut in 3 weeks.

Whether this is cheaper than therapy remains to be seen. It will only be so if it is effective and as of yet, at least the idea of it has not.

I am at the point in my life that that journalling will be therapeutic, if not interesting.

My parents' inevitable mortality, (and therefore my own,) is so very prevalent at this time. The news of Ma's stomach cancer, then Dad's lung fungus, then Mom's soft tissue mass has felt like an avalanch. With each new discovery, it's gotten closer and the latest today, (Mom's impending surgery,) finally felt like the avalanch had overtaken me.

I think about their mortality inbetween taking care of my babies and the juxtaposition is palpable. I am starting to feel the tugging I've read about, the sandwich generation being pulled in two directions. Thank goodness I don't have the financial pressure often associated with it. Then again, Dan and I will be wanting to retire ourselves about the time the kids face college.

I wonder if my own mortality is the issue here. Facing my parents' deaths, the last generational buffer between me and death is removed. I don't feel any less vital, (except for the ongoing ill-effects of insomnia,) but then I often recall Grandma's last days in the nursing home when she thought that she was about 33 years old or so. Nobody feels their age.

My own health issues have made me much more aware of how our bodies betray us. Inside my head I'm still in my twenties, but the extra 20 pounds I carry and the aches and pains I feel do their best to remind me that I'm approaching middle age.

As my fortieth birthday approaches, I feel an urgency to mend things in my life. The abandonment I felt early in my childhood makes me distant as an adult. I look at my children and wonder if they too will be emotionally stunted from my lack of connection with them as I was with my mother and she with hers. I want to love my husband more, I want to love my children more, I want to love my sisters more. But I'm not sure I'm willing to accept feeling more pain as I strive to feel more joy.

I think a physical, or metaphysical approach is a good way to start. If I can feel better physically, I'll have more strength to deal with the emotional issues. The metaphor of body to brain, movement to feeling strikes a chord with me. If I am more physically flexible, will I become more emotionally flexible? If I have more physical stamina, will I have more emotional stamina, and the same with strength. The ties between body and mind are so difficult to define using the western model of hard science. The medical community would have us beleive that they are non-existent, but the signs that they are there are mysterious and wonderful.